A male view of domestic violence
A male view of domestic violence Activist seeks to show all men their role in averting it By Julie Poppen, Rocky Mountain News October 9, 2007 Men are rarely comfortable sharing their feelings, let alone talking openly about domestic violence, says one man who wants to change that. Robert Sobel is the force behind a new men's initiative at SafeHouse Denver. It doesn't target batterers - there are other programs for that. Instead, the program targets the average guy who may not understand domestic violence or his role in averting it. The educational initiative, called SafeHouse Men Against Domestic Violence, was launched in July. It strives to get men talking and signing on to efforts to stop what advocates of domestic violence programs describe as a scourge that affects everyone. Last week, Sobel talked about the initiative at a rally kicking off Domestic Violence Awareness Month at the state Capitol. He came armed with a copy of a pledge form that he planned to have signed by Gov. Bill Ritter, formerly Denver's top prosecutor. The form not only encourages participants to become more educated but to make a personal commitment: "I make a commitment that I will never use or justify the use of emotional, sexual, physical, or economic abuse against an intimate partner." "You don't get guys to talk about it," Sobel said. "You don't get guys to show up at domestic violence rallies." A community breakfast at the Denver Athletic Club and a wine tasting under the program banner already have attracted signatures by notables including former Denver District Attorney Norm Early and House Speaker Andrew Romanoff. Some attendees were shocked that perpetrators can be upper- class professionals, such as lawyers and judges, said SafeHouse Executive Director Ellen Stein Wallace. But Stein Wallace said domestic violence knows no boundaries. Sobel wants to hold other community awareness events, such as enlisting male mentors to talk to boys about the issue - especially at a time when misogyny is an integral part of some hip-hop music. "I don't condemn (hip-hop)," said Sobel, who has a 14-year-old son. "It isn't all bad. But my son knows the difference between what's OK and what's not." The group also wants to pursue billboards with messages from men about domestic violence. Men should care, he said. Their daughters are at risk. So are their friends and co-workers. Men need to learn how to intervene if they hear another man using demeaning language about a girlfriend or a wife, Sobel said, or if they see signs of abuse. Men can be victims, too, but most often they're the perpetrators, Stein Wallace said. Because of that, men can get defensive. But the men's initiative is not about condemning an occasional angry outburst aimed at a spouse. "We're talking about a pattern of behavior used to maintain power and control," she said. Sobel, 52, was inspired to join the cause by his wife, whom he met 29 years ago. He was auditioning singers for the Aspen Snowmass Music Festival. She was a singer. It was love at first sight. But Sobel was shocked and angered to learn of the pain his wife, Betty Wytias, 55, endured at the hands of her first husband, who died from aplasmic anemia in 1976. Sobel said that since he's opened his eyes and heart to the issue, he's been inundated with stories. Six women at his dentist's office confided in him that they were in abusive relationships. "The main people out speaking against domestic violence are women," Stein Wallace said. "The community has this misperception this is a women's issue. It's not. It's a community issue." In Colorado In 2006, there were 41 domestic violence-related deaths in Colorado, including two children. 43,863 crisis calls were made to safe houses and counseling hot lines in 2006. 5,601 women and children spent the night at safe houses in 2006. 5,886 requests to stay at a safe house were turned down in 2006 because of lack of space. Source: Colorado Coalition Against Domestic Violence http://www.rockymountainnews.com/drmn/local/article/0,1299,DRMN_15_5717881,00.html