Domestic Abuse: Men's Hidden Pain, Silent Shame
Domestic Abuse, Part III: Men's Hidden Pain, Silent Shame By Robyn H. Jimenez, Contributing Writer February 25, 2008 Editor's Note: This is part of a continuing series dealing with the issue of Domestic Abuse. Previous articles have included, "Why she could not leave" and "Nothing will change until you change it." DALLAS (Special to the NNPA from the Dallas Examiner) - An estimate of over 5.83 million Americans have experienced some form of domestic abuse, whether it is physical, emotional or sexual. But what happens when the man is slapped, pushed, punched, stabbed, threatened and/or degraded by his intimate partner? What is it called then? It's still domestic abuse. Though intimate partner abuse occurs primarily against women, the Bureau of Justice reports that around 15 percent of the victims are men. In a survey, the bureau found that three percent of all violence against men was committed by an intimate partner. Men are much less likely to seek help or report domestic abuse when they are the victims. The reasons listed were: shame, denial, being taught to "man up" or be a "man about it," trying to keep the family together and the thought that he can "fix it." Reports indicate that men in heterosexual relationships use the same excuses or are in denial for the same reasons as those in a same sex relationship. And just like female victims, male victims generally have a familial history of domestic violence. From generation to generation Lawrence remembers being very young and witnessing his father abusing his mother. Though it would hurt him to see them fight, he thought it was normal. He recalled at age 4 or 5, when his parents had been arguing almost non-stop for several days, he walked out of his room and yelled, "Just be quiet!" And as he walked back to his room, they just continued arguing. After his parents divorced, his mother was worried enough for her safety that she would enter and exit their new home through the window rather than the door. She soon remarried, but died five months later, sending him back to his abusive father. "I didn't feel that he was abusive toward us children, I just felt like he had a temper. He had arguments and arguments turned into fights," Lawrence said. It was common for his father to be arrested for domestic violence. He recalled incidents when his father would become violent toward one of his many girlfriends. And though the sentiment was more or less, "Oh, Dad's going to jail again," the girlfriend would go back to her home and the boys had to fend for themselves while he was locked up. At times when he would realize that the police had been called, he'd gather the two boys for a 'ride' or an impromptu camping trip. But usually it wasn't quite so exciting. Lawrence said that his father spent most days and many nights on the couch, either drunk or passed out. He said that his father used drugs as well, but Lawrence did not know what they were or how much he used. He did recall being embarrassed and not bringing friends to his house. As he grew older, not only did his relationship with his father and brother suffer, he had difficulty connecting with others, as well. "Because my life was kind of rough, it certainly hurt my self-esteem, so I wasn't as confident as I needed to be to have girlfriends and even friends," said Lawrence. He said that seeing his father abuse women had a reverse effect on him. "I had this almost complete supreme respect for girls. I put girls on a pedastal." In an attempt not to follow in his father's footsteps, Lawrence became the exact opposite of his father. While he was in college, he met a young lady that intrigued him. He said that he lost sight of his goal and began to focus on her and decided to cool things off for a while. She strongly disagreed and punched him in his mouth. He was so shocked, not just by her actions in general, but also by the fact that a young female would hit such a tall man. He thought that any other man would have hit her back. But in his mind, he promised himself that he'd never hit a woman. Instead he just stood there with his tooth crooked and bleeding. He decided to get in his car and leave. Just as he began to drive off, she keyed his car from bumper to bumper. And he thought to himself, that if she could do all of this and he didn't retalliate, it must be love. But that was only the beginning. He said that there were times when conversations would turn into arguments and neither would back down. "We were arguing the day OJ was freed. We were talking, which led to arguing...so she reaches in her purse and pulls out her shank . I'm like 'What the hell you gonna do with that?' And she reached up and stabbed me," he said. Lawrence remembers falling back onto the couch in shock, then pulling himself together enough to make it to the manager's office. He went to the hospital and she went to jail. But he couldn't stand the thought of this woman that he had placed on a pedestal going to jail on a second degree misdemeanor like his father did so many times. He decided not to show up in court for the trial and the case was dismissed. This became an on-going cycle in their relationship. To have and to hold... There were many times when arguing would turn into her scratching him. When he first started his job, he had a scratch from his ear to halfway down his chest. His co-workers mistook the white line, which exposed his second layer of skin as a surgery scar. He was too ashamed to tell them that his girlfriend did it. After finding out she was pregnant, he married her and the fighting escalated. She would degrade and embarrass him in public. She continued to hit him and eventually, he hit her back. Again, the police were called. But this time he felt that he couldn't let her get arrested, so since someone had to go to jail, he decided that it would be him. He was charged and the charges stuck. Upon release, he was ordered to attend classes so that he could learn how to deal with his violent temper and was labled a domestic abuser. Now, with this lable stamped across his record, Lawrence felt even more helpless. For the next two or three years, during each of his wife's violence outbursts, he was reminded that if he so much as grabbed her hand or yelled back, she would call the police and have him locked up again. After their second child was born, his wife began to constantly interrupt him while he was on his job. And because of his dysfunctional home life, he began missing days of work. Eventually, he was fired. He decided to move to Fort Worth and start over. One day, he had had enough of being hit and began to fight back again. This time, he thought that if he hit back hard enough, she would stop. He was wrong. It only added fuel to the fire and though she would go away wounded, she could come back later with a weapon. "We were arguing outside in front of her car and she got in her car. She backed up and then put the car in drive. I moved away but she ran over my foot," Lawrence said. Lawrence has noticed when he and his wife are arguing, that his oldest child cries. But, he hopes that as they mature and work on better communication, his family can share their struggles as part of a success story. But domestic abuse is more than physical just as a slap is more than just a slap because it affects more than the face. It also sends a non-verbal message that devalues and disgraces a person. But when that slap is seen and heard by the children of the couple, what message does it send the children about their caregivers? More importantly, what message does it send children about themselves? The black sheep Michael grew up with five brothers and several cousins living under one roof with his mother and father. He said that his father spent most of his time "in the streets" and described him as an abusive man and a womanizer. His mother spent much of her time working to take care of the family. His parents would have all-night gambling parties; nevertheless, they were still very poor and went hungry many times. The violence was not only aimed toward the mother, the children experienced it too. He remembered being about 8 or 9 years old when his mother had had enough. "Mom took a .22 and shot at Dad...You can only beat and cheat on a woman for so long before she strikes back," he said. That was the last time he hit her. But his violence toward the children continued. There was a lot of dysfunctional parenting and over reactions as a form of discipline, Michael said. His father would tie him and his brothers up and beat them with an extension cord to punish them. Growing up, he felt self-conscious, fearful and worthless. He thought he was a bad child. And there were times that he wanted to just give up. He said that he went inside himself. "A lot of times when you go inside so deep, you don't want to come out," he said. Michael said that he and his brothers were often left on their own. They had to learn how to cook and take care of themselves. But they never learned to bond or show each other love. They often ridiculed him because he was different. He was in a class for gifted and talented children, which his parents saw as an obstacle and felt intimidated. His parents never came to his sporting events, recognition assemblies or graduation. At age 13, he grew tired of the beatings and the passive child turned into a rebellious teenager. His parents called him the black sheep of the family, but he said he simply just couldn't stand not knowing when he was going to get "beat down." He began to have fights and he was kicked out of the library for being too loud. When they decided that he had become too unruly, they kicked him out. He went to live with his grandmother. His grandmother's home was a safe haven for him and she helped him turn his life around. But it would take years before he healed from the lifetime of physical abuse and neglect. Child Welfare Information Gateway, a government agency geared toward the protection of children, reported that children who are exposed to family violence are at risk of being exposed to traumatic events, neglect, physical assault and the loss of one or both parents. These may affect the child's behavior, social skills and emotional stability. Many have long-term problems, such as depression, symptoms of post-traumatic stress and an increased tolerance toward violence. CWIG also states that there are some children who are more resilient. Protective factors, such as social competence, intelligence, high self-esteem, outgoing temperament, strong sibling and peer relationships and a supportive relationship with an adult can help protect children from the adverse affects of exposure to domestic violence. Where are they now Michael admits that he has snapped at girlfriends before and has had issues trusting women. But says that he cherishes women and has never hit one. However, he reports that three of his brothers, drink heavily, abuse drugs and have been arrested for domestic abuse. His parents are still married. Lawrence was rehired at his old job. Though he has considered divorce a few times and was recently released from jail for domestic violence, he is still married. "We have a lot of good days like everybody else, but our bad days are so much worse than everyone else's." Lawrence said, "If I could characterize our relationship, it would be more like third graders. You know, like - you like each other and you hit each other. Except now, we're grown and it still happens..." The bureau reported (from the latest data available) that in 2000, 440 men were killed due to domestic abuse. For more information on domestic abuse or to find help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit www.ndvh.org. http://www.louisianaweekly.com/weekly/news/articlegate.pl?20080225r