Friday, July 02, 2004 Sociopaths Rock! ¶ 7:04 AM A coworker yesterday inadvertently accused me of not caring. He did it just as I was leaving to attend a class so I was thinking about it on the way and came to some startling realizations. Maybe I don't care as I should about how people feel. Usually when I've been accused of not caring in the past I quickly dismiss the accusation because I know in my heart that I genuinely and deeply care about many people and things (my cats fall under people). But, what I hadn't realized before is that my habit of easily dismissing another persons feelings as not important is the reason why people think I don't care. But the reason I disregard peoples feelings is because I think for the most part they are superficial. For example, if someone I care about says something I think is wrong, rather than agreeing with them or even not saying anything to spare their feelings, I would likely speak up and say I think it is wrong. My view is that if they are offended by my honesty then they need to grow up a little. But if I protect their feelings instead of expressing my view, then I am ultimately hurting more than just their feelings; I am denying them the truth! I think this is a major problem with our society. At the same time I have to realize that this is the world I live in and if no one else sees things my way then I must take it into account (not necessarily changing my view, just adapting my behavior a bit to accommodate others views). What is really interesting about this whole way of looking at things is that a psychologist might call me sociopathic because I am rationalizing the fact that I am insensitive to how others feel. Hmmmmmm, maybe we need more sociopaths then! Posted by: Joe

Thursday, July 01, 2004 Pondering time Travel ¶ 6:38 AM If traveling through time is ever possible, even in a million years, then there must be time travelers amongst us right now. Think about it. If it is not ever possible, which many believe, (based mostly on ignorance of scientific evidence) then we are truly alone. I'm not suggesting it is or isn't, I'm just pondering. But if it is possible, and they are here, then why are they being so secret about it? What would they be up to? One of the results of time travel would be a profound understanding of "cause and effect," especially as it relates to human behavior. So, these time travelers would very likely be experts on human and social behavior. Hmmmmm. What a coincidence that time travel would also provide such experts a perfect lab for continued experiments in human and social behavior. Hmmmmm. What a coincidence that the study of human and social behavior has been and is the most sought after knowledge of all government since governments began. It is the one and only true path to power. Hmmmmm. Posted by: Joe

Wednesday, June 30, 2004 What is Truth? ¶ 7:29 AM I changed the focus of this blog to that of a man seeking Truth. So I am forced to ask, "What is Truth?" Once I think about it I quickly realize that any definition of Truth is ultimately subjective. That is, if I have to define Truth first, then it's subject to the limitations of my ability to define, which is a serious limit! And the Kind of Truth that I am seeking can know no such limits. It comes down to this; I am ultimately seeking that which I can not define. In other words, "I don't know what the hell I'm looking for!" Isn't life grand! Posted by: Joe

Monday, June 07, 2004 Reality Is Relative ¶ 11:29 AM I had two strange things happen last night. Sometime in the middle of the night I woke up and there was a strange noise coming from a long rope like apparition suspended in mid air. I looked at it and was a little afraid, but kept looking because I did not know what it was. It started to move toward the bathroom, but eventually faded away before it got to the doorway and I was left just lying there awake in my room. This was very creepy, and if I was another person I might say I saw a ghost, and who knows, maybe I did. I have no clue what it was, or where it came from, whether from my own mind, or someplace else. I only know what I saw. Then, when my alarm went off this morning, it was a challenge to figure out what it was. I felt exactly like an alien who had just taken over my body and I was terribly confused by the meaning of this loud and obnoxious noise. But, I rationalized that it must be a signal of some sort indicating that I should take some action, and as long as I took some action, I would know what to do next. No kidding, I actually thought all this. Bizarre. When strange things like this happen to me, even if I am half asleep, it reminds me that I can not trust my own mind. When I was first arrested at the age of 16, I was sent to a mental hospital for a general evaluation. I was placed on a ward with a mix of other patients also there for evaluations. The only other youngster on the ward (18 or 19 years old) called me "Mr. V." because he was convinced that I was a vampire. He explained to me that he overdosed on LSD and ever since he has convincing visions. He did not refer to them as visions, he just explained what he saw. For example, the little men in the "blue room" who would come and work on the magic wand that was attached by a silvery cord to his stomach and would make him do things sometimes. He also saw me fly out the dorm window one night to go meet with other vampires. I understood as I spoke to him that for whatever reason, this was his reality. I suspected then, as I do now, that his mind was creating images to justify things that it was aware of but could not explain. This was the beauty of the book "One Flew Over The Cookoo's Nest" (not the movie). In the book the Big Indian had similar hallucinations, but also in the book all of his hallucinations corresponded with real life perceptions that existed beneath the veal of our vision. So, maybe I did see a ghost of sorts last night, and maybe I was possessed when I woke this morning. One can never really know; reality is relative. Posted by: Joe

Sunday, June 06, 2004 A Change In Direction! ¶ 7:21 PM This blog is about to take a hard turn, inward! I have decided to give up on trying to convince people that I am a real person, with honest and good intentions, not some evil monster that they should be afraid of. Instead, from now on I am going to focus on my own struggle to understand the One Truth! This will be a significant turning point for me, I can feel it. My struggle to understand Truth (Life) has been going on much longer anyway. I still remember long dark hours in prison, confused out of my mind by all the conflicting messages in this world, wishing I could just somehow magically understand all at once. Now I know that was not the way choosen for me. My struggle to understand Truth is on going, it defines my life. It is my relationship with Truth that gives my life meaning. So, it is my relationship with and struggle to know Truth that I will write about from now on in this blog. The title of this blog will not change, "Blogging the Fifth Nail." The Fifth Nail is the nail that was meant to peirce the Heart of Christ and end his suffering. Posted by: Joe

Thursday, May 20, 2004 Dog Bites Steal. ¶ 6:32 PM Well, it seems I have finally stumbled across some information that confirms my strong suspicions that our governments (state and federal) are just puppet shows designed to distract our citizens and keep them from getting in the way of the real powers in this world. Almost all of my suspicions have been ratified, and now I am at loss for what to do about it. I am like the dog who has finally caught the car and suddenly realizes how pointless and dangerous the whole chase was. Posted by: Joe

Wednesday, May 19, 2004 I Remember Now... ¶ 2:53 PM I dreamed last night about being in prison again. This time it was very realistic, and coherent (the worst kind, because I really believe I am in prison again). What was really interesting about this dream though was when another inmate asked me why I was there I told him, "To remember." And while I did not realize I was dreaming when I said it, I did somehow understand that that was the true reason for my being there. It didn't make it any less pleasant. I remembered the devastating feeling of being powerless while I was incarcerated. That was the worst feeling, and to this day is the worst feeling I have ever felt. It is the same feeling a victim feels, except it permeates your existence day in and day out, for months, and years. That is why I know well why it is wrong to inflict ones will on another. Crime, in this sense (inflicting your will on another person), is a horrendous tragedy, and is terribly wrong. Sending someone to prison as punishment is wrong in the exact same sense and for the exact same reason. Revenge (call it punishment if you like) is not the answer, it only propagates the problem, and justifies the criminals behavior. We know prison does not deter criminal behavior at all (Studies show constantly that if you take a group of people who commit any given crime, send them to prison, then compare their recidivism rate to a similar group that did not go to prison, the group that did not go to prison always has significantly lower recidivism For example...). A big part of the reason people sent to prison re-offend is because the need to take control back is overwhelming after they get out. And instead of giving them the chance to take power back, we put them on parole, and probation, essentially further inflicting the will of small minded community supervision officials over the x-convict. Another interesting statistic is that people who are released from prison without parole or probation recidivate less than those on parole or probation. The excuse for this fact is that the ones on parole and probation are just more likely to get caught, but they both commit more crimes at the same rate. Attempts to confirm this rational however have consistently failed. And I think education, which has been shown consistently to dramatically reduce recidivism, works by giving the x-convict the ability to take control back of their lives without crime, which without education is the only thing they know. Posted by: Joe

Friday, May 14, 2004 A Reply To The Police Chiefs Pestilence ( I Couldn't Resist) ¶ 4:30 PM "I feel sorry for you, and most of society. You rationalize your actions exactly the same way the Nazis and Slave owners did, with questionable science and twisted statistics. People make mistakes, and pay for them. I've paid for mine, and I know more about why I did what I did than you could ever hope to understand. It would be easier for me to change the color of my skin than to change what I did 25 years ago, and yet that is your only rational for instigating people's feelings against me. What bothers me is not how these Nazi laws effect me directly, it is how they allow our society's real sickness to grow worse, while doing nothing to stop it, and in fact providing motivation for more and more crime. Sooner or later the voice of reason will be heard, if you're interested in the truth here is a taste: http://www.ncianet.org/stories/polnirr97.html" Posted by: Joe

Wednesday, May 12, 2004 Dirty Dishes ¶ 12:45 PM It has been dawning on me lately that the reason I have been feeling uncharacteristically unmotivated for the last couple of years is because of all the stress associated with being required to register and basically not being able to do anything without being immediately concerned about people knowing I am a "sex offender" (which as I've already explained, I do not consider myself). Before the community notification I my gpa was 3.87, I kept my appartment spotless, and I looked forward to each day because I was motivated. Now I can hardly get up enough muster to even do simple assignments for class, and I let my appartment go for days without cleaning it letting laundry and sometimes even dishes pile up. This last semester there were a couple of time when I finished the homework but did not go to class to even hand it in, (partly, I'm sure now, because of apprehension over being identified by the other person in my class with my same last name.) It's good that I at least recognize this, now I just need to figure out what I'm going to do to counteract it. Posted by: Joe

Monday, May 10, 2004 Sometimes I Just Want To Cry ¶ 12:54 PM I read in the news this morning that the police intend to make their harassment address checks on sex offenders even more frequently than before (four times a year now). This really really bothers me. So much that I am having a hard time concentrating at work today. I keep thinking about how dehumanized I feel, like I am not wanted. I keep thinking about how people are terrified when they find out I am a "sex offender." Once I visited with another student after a class two summers ago. When she found out later that I was a "sex offender" she was so scared that she complained to school officials and stopped coming to class! I have been very patient with this whole injustice, telling myself that everyone suffers injustice of some kind. But I can feel it now starting to approach the limits of my tolerance. I can't afford an attorney, and even if I could I don't know if it would do any good. It seems the Law is dictated by popular opinion (and we all know how reliable that is) with no rationality. I feel close to cracking, and I don't even know what that means. I keep feeling like I want to cry, I have not felt this stressed in a long time. If anyone reads this and thinks, "good, you probably deserve it." Then you may as well go out and rape a child, because that's exactly what your attitude is supporting. You are giving in to the sickness that I've spent half my life trying to understand, and that I'll spend the rest of my life trying to fight! People must somehow understand that the sickness is in our society, not the individuals in it. We are all victims! All great spiritual leaders; Jesus, Mohammed, Gandhi, Mother Teresa, and all the others (I would include John Lennon in this list, but he was killed coincidentally before he had a chance to really be heard) tried to tell us this simple truth, and tried to give us the only cure...Love and forgiveness. "Judge not, lest..." Posted by: Joe

Friday, May 07, 2004 Late Night Walk ¶ 9:35 AM I went for a late night walk downtown last night. It was actually quite enjoyable, the weather was nice, and there were many people still out and about. I almost stepped inside one of the bars downtown, but I still don't find too much pleasure in standing around drinking and determining pecking order with behavioral nuances designed to establish some kind of social ranking. It all just seems so childish. Maybe I'm being childish. But, I enjoyed my walk and might do it again sometime soon. My only worry of course is that while I am walking around I am essentially unaccounted for and if anything bad happened while I was out I could get blamed because of all the media hype about how dangerous sex offenders are; I wouldn't stand a chance at a trial and I know it. Last night I carried my MP3 player with me on the walk and kept the recorder running and talked to myself during the whole walk to establish my whereabouts and actions (my fear of being falsely accused is that strong!), but when I got home I discovered that nothing got recorded. Oh well, I tried. Posted by: Joe

Thursday, May 06, 2004 Answer From The Police Chief (See previous entry "An Open Letter To The Police Chief") ¶ 9:26 AM "I think it’s pretty amazing you believe that as a registered sex offender your situation is comparable to being a Jew or member of another minority group persecuted by the Nazis. While you may be an “educated and a law abiding citizen,” the fact of the matter of this: if you’re required to register as a sex offender, you committed a serious crime. Notification laws in and most other states around the country are designed to protect the public. We intend to assure sex offenders in comply with state law. We want to be fair—and we have no intentions of harassing anyone—but make no mistake about it, we will be enforcing the law. Our goal is to confirm the addresses of registered sex offenders three times a year to make sure they are in compliance with law. Our goal is not to be overly intrusive, but we have found many offenders are not responsible about updating their registrations when they move. Just since the first of the year, we have generated 47 reports for sex offenders who have failed to register as required. Some did not register when they moved here, when they moved away, or when they changed jobs. With about 157 registered offenders in the city, hopefully you can see this is a significant problem. Our position is to make sure laws are obeyed, which we do both proactively and reactively. We recognize registered offenders as a group are made up of a wide variety of people who pose varying degrees of risk to the community. As a result, we concentrate our efforts on those judged to be a higher risk. However, we must be responsive to the concerns of community residents, who expect us to be vigilant about this issue. The community expects us to make sure registration laws are complied with and that’s exactly what we are going to continue to do. " Posted by: Joe

Wednesday, May 05, 2004 Earning Potential ¶ 1:02 PM I just received an alert from the City Police (which I signed up for so I know if my name comes up for any reason) notifying the community about two ex-offenders who have changed their address. When I saw the subject line I panicked thinking they were doing a notification about my recent address change (I moved to a different apartment in the same building). I signed up for the alerts because I am worried about the next time the police decide to make a spectacle out of me. I live in constant fear of someone harassing me for my past, but so far the only harassment I have received has been from the authorities. Some day soon I will graduate and start looking for work appropriate to my skills. I suspect the offender registration laws will keep me from earning anything near my potential. Posted by: Joe

Monday, May 03, 2004 An Open Letter To The Police Chief ¶ 10:31 PM "I am an Ex-Offender who is required by State law to register my place of residence and employment with the Police. The law categorizes me as a "sex-offender" as if that's what I do all the time when in fact my first offense was my last almost twenty-five years ago. I am an educated and law abiding citizen and I feel the registration laws are Nazi enough by themselves (the Nazi's were the ones who first used registration laws to track criminals, homosexuals, and eventually Jews- if you doubt me just type "Nuremberg Laws" into your favorite web search engine) but now the Police Department has "Taken it upon " (quoting a source from inside the department) to confirm the address and employment of every offender in . I feel this is excessive and amounts to blatant harassment . If you think I've committed a crime you are welcome to do your job. But if I am obeying the law and giving no rise for concern from anyone, then I don't expect a squad car in my driveway or any visit from the police unless they are explicitly invited or it is an emergency. Don't get me wrong, my words are strong only because I feel my grievance is strong. I appreciate the police and the role you serve in our society. But it is well know that law enforcement tends to overstep its bounds, and I think this is clearly one of those cases. The State has given you no athority to excersize these harrasing tactics. People in our communities must be continously reminded, it's not about criminal rights taking precendence over victims rights, the truth is if the offenders have not rights, then nobody does!" Posted by: Joe

Friday, April 30, 2004 ¶ 9:30 PM I'm sitting outside with my cats in the front yard watching my cats. It is after dark, and I have had a good day. Busy at work, but got a lot done (I like busy days). Then after work I took the cats out and fed them, then went for a 10 miles bike ride along the red river. It was good workout (for someone as out of shape as I am) but after I got home I had enough energy to make a decent spaghetti dinner with toasted french bread (I actually burned the first batch of french bread to a black crisp filling my apartment with smoke in the process) and canned beats. Yum. I saved the beat juice in a jar after mixing it with equal parts apple cider vinegar with the intent of making pickled eggs soon. Like a said, a good day. And now I am sitting outside, relaxing (before the bugs of summer come and ruin evenings like this...oops I just saw one fly paste my computer screen...it won't be long now!) Posted by: Joe Calling Sergeant Pallas. ¶ 7:32 AM I called and spoke with Sergeant Pallas last night a little after midnight (he works the 3rd shift) about my feeling harassed by their policy of confirming sex offender registration. He informed me that the Police department had "taken it upon " to confirm the addresses. After talking with him a few minutes it dawned on me that he was also under orders, so I'm going to have to work my way up the chain on this one. Next call on my list: Chief of Police. Posted by: Joe