Joseph Duncan's The Fifth Nail Blog

Tuesday, February 17, 2004 The Monsters Among Us ¶ 6:44 PM I took a nap after school today and had a dream about being arrested for false ID in the ski chalet. I am planning on returning Thursday night since I can get a reduced rate as a student. In the dream I was arrested after presenting my student ID which is a bit tattered. I complained that even though it was tattered that it indeed was my ID I could prove it, but in light of "heightened national security" since 9-11, the arresting officer wasn't taking any chances and was going to let the boys downtown sort it out. The dream capitalized on a feeling I've had often in my life; that of getting into trouble for something I didn't even know would get me in trouble. I can't count the number of times I've stood open mouthed disbelieving what was happening to me because of something I did not realizing the potential consequences. Yes, my "sex offense" was one of them. I can't say I did not know it was wrong, but I can honestly say that I had no clue of the impact my actions would have on my victim, or society, or myself. Like I've mentioned before in this blog, I was abused, even raped, so often and by so many different people growing up that I thought it was like smoking pot, everyone did it, but nobody openly admitted it. That was a key issue (faulty perception) that lead up to my offense. I knew it was wrong, like I knew smoking pot was wrong. If I had been arrested and sent to prison for 20 years for possessing a joint I would have been no less dumbfounded by societies reaction to my crime. And that is why I don't believe there are really bad people. There are people who think they are bad, because that's what they've been told all their lives and that is what gives them their sense of belonging. But underneath they are just confused and distorted as I was at age 16. The only way to help a person with a bad perspective is to change their perspective. One of the best ways to change their perspective is with education (that's what I did), but the best way is to change their environment. Put them in an environment that will not support their distorted views. Prison, even modern treatment programs almost always fail to do this (no surprise here, since if they did focus on changing peoples perspective law abiding citizens -- especially those who think like police (i.e. "Pigs") -- might be force to recognize their own distorted view of the world. It is the opposite distortion (that of the righteous) that counter balances the negative distortions present in our society. In fact, if you took away the distorted views of the self righteous, the distorted view of common criminals would not be far behind, and visa-versa. That's why I have such a hard time letting go of my hatred for pigs. I try hard to be a peaceful and love centered person, yet every time I see a pig putting down a criminal I get angry knowing that the criminal would likely not even be a criminal if it weren't for the pig being a pig. This is a concept so well known and studied, and yet the phenomenon continues in our society unfettered by our law makers (who obviously suffer their own self righteous distortions.) If I could leave one mark on this world it would be to help expose the distortions, especially the most common ones forcefully endorsed by our government (like, "criminals are bad," and "sex offenders are monsters"). Posted by: Joe The System Has You ¶ 7:25 AM Yep, I'm sore (from skiing this weekend). I look like an old man limping around on decrepit legs. But my calves hurt like the dickens, I took some aspirin but it’s not helping much. I created an interactive web page for a geology class a couple of years ago and now the geology department has asked me to do several more, and they are paying me to do them. I just finished the first one this weekend and they loved it. They are actually interactive pages that help the students learn rock classification charts and such. The one I did years ago was for the geologic time scale. I need to get more of a social life. I seem to enjoy being around other people more and more, but I constantly struggle with my legal status as a "Sex Offender." I hate that term, to me it sounds worse than the word, "nigger." I feel like I can't make any friends because who wants to be friends with a "Sex Offender?" Even some of the friends that I do have prefer that I don't mention it, like they would be ashamed if anyone found out they were associating with a Sex Offender. I'm afraid to hand in my assignments in my Statistics class because there is another student with my same last name who I am sure will recognize my name when it is called out by the instructor while passing back the graded assignments. I cringe in any class when they announce my name, for fear of someone recognizing it (not an unreasonable fear considering my name was headline news for a week just a couple of years ago). Even in public, when I buy something at a store and they look at my name on the credit card, or id when using a check, I feel insecure. I can't believe people can be so blinded to the real effect of the registration requirements! Have you ever noticed that all new "criminal" laws and policies have very little effect on reducing crime, but provide better ways to monitor it? That's because the system feeds on crime, and why wouldn't it want to monitor what it depends on to live? It's really not any more complicated than this; they system needs crime to justify its existence. So, the system has evolved in such a way that allows it to monitor and sustain criminal behavior. This isn't rocket science, but it is so obvious and sinister that people just ignore it when they hear it and put the idea out of their mind as non-sense. The system is a living evolving entity and it knows how to protect itself. Posted by: Joe

Monday, February 16, 2004 Skiing ¶ 7:20 AM Wow, what a blast! I went skiing yesterday for the first time in my life. That was a lot of fun, and first chance I get I’m going back to the slopes! But, I’m going to be sore for days! Oh man, I’m already sore and its only the next day, I’m not looking forward to tomorrow! I spent 6 hours straight on the slopes my first time, with only one coffee break. I was surprised by how much cold I was willing to tolerate in the name of fun! Actually I stayed pretty warm, my boss loaned me a pair of “desert storm” insulated pants that were plenty warm. I’m looking forward to my next trip up, except I wish I could find someone to go with me, but its hard making friends when you have to tell everyone you meet that when you were 16 you were convicted of Rape. I suppose I could make friends and not tell them, but then what happens when they find out, which they inevitable will. So, just to get this straight, it seems societies response to anti-social behavior is to ostracize the person with the social problem. Now that’s gotta help…not. Posted by: Joe

Wednesday, February 11, 2004 ¶ 12:18 PM I checked the police dispatch logs this morning and discovered that a five year old boy was reported missing a few blocks away from where I live just a couple of hours before my encounter with the police car on Sunday. I have no way of knowing if the two incidents were related. But, I suspect they were. The boy must have turned up because the incident did not make it in the news. Posted by: Joe ¶ 7:32 AM I haven’t been remembering my dreams lately, and I think I figured out why this morning. This morning I got up as soon as the alarm went off and took a shower rather than hitting the snooze two or three times. I think hitting the snooze has been causing me not to remember my dreams. I read somewhere once that dreams fade quickly after you wake up, especially if you don’t give them any thought. It is like the only thing that ties them into memory is actually thinking about them. So last night I had one of my common, “back in prison” dreams. I don’t necessary view these as negative, and I never take them to mean I’m heading back to prison. I know that they are just part of my dreams because I spent half my life in prison and since dreams draw heavily on experience, that is all they have to draw on. Only part of my dream last night was in prison, where I was in a cell with a cellmate who I had back in 1998. He was a very angry person who seemed to hate everything and admitted to hating himself. And, as is common in prison, he was very smart, but also very uneducated. Because I moved in with him, it was “his cell” meaning that he had the last say in any conflicts about cell space, etc. In the dream last night the tables were turned, he had moved in with me, so it was “my cell” this time. In another part of the dream I was with my doctor friend whom I am going to visit in a couple of weeks in Florida. I was going with him to attend some kind of church service, but since he is a practicing Jew, and his wife is a devote Catholic, the dream kind of mixed up the two and made for a strange service where I had to put on robes and a scarf like head covering (something like Muslim women wear), then I had to kneel at the doorway and say the Lord’s Prayer (or something) before entering. I have no translation for either of these dreams. Posted by: Joe

Sunday, February 08, 2004 ¶ 5:01 PM I found my cordless mouse. It was actually very close to where I had left it in the Lab. I would have been highly distressed if it had been stolen, since if there is a thief around it is the one with a criminal record (any criminal record) that is suspected first. Posted by: Joe Close Encounters of the First Kind ¶ 4:42 PM About an hour or so ago I was coming home in my car after driving to a few auto parts stores looking for a nozzle for my windshield wiper fluid dispenser (I discovered mine were broke this morning after cleaning the snow off my car). There was a City Police car pulling out of the alley that leads where I live. He stopped to let me drive past, but I stopped and turned on my turn signal to let him know he was in my way. I watched the cop in the car very closely, he hesitated when he saw I was trying to turn into the alley that he was pulling out of, he did half a double take (like he was going to do a double take then realized he shouldn’t, like he might give himself away) Then his shoulders moved like he was going to reach for something, then he froze, thought for a second or two to decide what to do, and then finally proceeded out of the alley to let me through. But, he only pulled just out of the alley and parked on the side of the street next to the alley. After I parked and got out of my car, I could see the front of his car still parked by the alley entrance. About five minutes later when I checked again, it was gone. Maybe he was, or maybe he wasn’t checking up on me. Maybe it was, or maybe it wasn’t part of some field investigation. Maybe I am, maybe I’m not a suspect, again. But all maybes aside, I was afraid. Every time something like this happens it reminds me that I am a mere citizen’s complaint away from going back to jail at anytime. No matter how hard I try to get away from the mistakes I made when I was 16, I can’t. Our society will never forgive me; more toward its own ill, than mine. I just realized this Friday that a co-worker who I have been working closely with for the last two years, despises me. I’m not sure why, but again, I suspect it is related to my status as a "Sex Offender." After pondering on it for a while I decided it is he who is suffering, not me. He is the one with animosity in his heart; he is the one keeping those corrosive emotions inside. He is the one who will be eaten up inside by them. Posted by: Joe

Thursday, February 05, 2004 Life is Good ¶ 6:28 PM Well, it looks like car trouble again. My heater was blowing cold air at every stop light (when the engine was idling) but it would warm up again when I stepped on the gas. So I took it in and it seems the intake manifold is leaking to the tune of about $450. Oh well. I also lost my cool portable cordless mouse. I left it in the lab where I work on campus on Tuesday, and went back for it today but it was gone. Hmmm. I’d hoped the lab was a little more secure (people wise) than that. Oh well. I’ve also been having trouble getting motivated to study lately. Oh well. Life is good, and I’m not being cynical. I really mean it. If every week were like this week, it would be a great life. But, they're not all like this, some are worse, but the best part is that most are better, so that makes life fantastic! Posted by: Joe

Tuesday, February 03, 2004 Pan the Cam! ¶ 10:52 PM My Web Cam is live and will be able to pan and tilt soon! Posted by: Joe The Taxman Cometh ¶ 7:22 AM I just started going over my tax numbers and it looks grim. I wouldn’t mind paying taxes, if I agreed with something the government was doing. But, fact is, I don’t think I agree with anything the government does. I might agree with National security, if it meant defending our borders and not attacking small countries for oil under the guise of a war on terrorism. I’d be far more willing to pay higher gas prices, even quadruple, or quintuple. But, like I always say, the only thing I know for sure about politics is that I know nothing about politics. My neighbor leaves for Hawaii today, and I get to watch after her cat. I really like cats. I did not get as much done with my research programming over the Winter break as I’d hoped, but it is going okay. I’m working on an interesting project at work. I’m writing a program that automatically runs another program then analyzes and summarizes the output, and executes further commands according to the results using a recursive algorithm. Its kind of cool because its like writing a chess program that seems like its thinking when its really just following rules. Posted by: Joe

Saturday, January 31, 2004 ¶ 9:08 PM Fact: Whoever controls the media controls the country. Question: Do you really think no one is controlling the media? Posted by: Joe ¶ 8:53 PM I stayed home all day. My landlords came over to return the snow blower (they take it when they need it to blow snow over at their house) and replace some light bulbs that had burned out in the hall. After they left I went out and blew the snow, and piled a bunch on my neighbors car as a joke. It seems that “Captain Mims” has been returned to prison, because no one would rent to him. Read the article here I understand why he was willing to go back, because if he does two more years he will be released with no probation and hence will have a much better chance of “making it.” I can tell you from first hand experience that the entire probation and parole system is a farce. People are sent back to prison while on parole for non-criminal offenses that get counted as “recidivism” to drive up the numbers so it looks like almost everyone who gets out goes back. The truth is, if you read the statistics carefully you will notice that the highest recidivism occurs within the first 2 to 3 years after release. Do you think it is a coincidence that that is also the average probation period? I was arrested and sent back to prison as I got very close to successfully completing my parole in 1996. The charge was “possession of a firearm.” What happened was my brother brought his gun (which he is legally licensed to carry concealed) to my apartment with out my knowledge or consent. I he laid it on my computer desk while playing a game on the computer and I picked it up by mistake while it was still in its holster not knowing what it was. As soon as I realized what it was I told him to get rid of it, so he left. At my next parole interview polygraph, the examiner asked if I had touched any guns. Remembering the incident, I said yes, and told him exactly what happened. Several weeks later, after reading the report from the polygraph examination, the parole board order my parole officer to have me arrested for possession of a firearm. I lost a good job, and my residence as a result of the arrest, though no criminal charges were ever filed. These types of violations are very common, and directly attribute to such “high recidivism rates” reported frequently by the media. Posted by: Joe I Know What I Know ¶ 12:20 AM I realize now who this blog is really for. It is for me. That explains why I so doggedly insist on painstakingly making entry after entry, even though I know no one is ever going to read it. Now I understand why it seems so important to me. This blog is my connection to who I am and who I am becoming. It is a way for me to connect to who I was, so I can better understand who I will become. Just like the guy in the movie The Butterfly Effect, I can't explain, so why do I even try. Because I know what I know, and that is all anyone can know. Posted by: Joe

Thursday, January 29, 2004 Life is in the details... ¶ 2:44 PM This is what I did today: 5:30 am, radio alarm goes off, the blaring static of some intentionally half tuned in radio station pulls me up from the depths of blissful sleep. I hit the snooze. 5:39 am, alarm goes off again, I hit the snooze again. 5:48 am, alarm goes off one more time, I let rag on for a moment so it will wake me up, then turn off the alarm. 5:55 am, after laying in bed awake for a few moments I get up, find my car keys and hit the autostart to warm up my car, get dressed, shave in the bathroom sink, brush my teeth, brush my teeth again with my “sonic care” toothbrush because of a sore in my mouth from a trapped piece of food the other day. 6:08 am, decide to skip breakfast, I’ll have a granola bar out of my desk at work. Check my email, and make sure my web cam is up and on line. Pack my laptop, put on my coat. Pet my cats, “good day.” Check to make sure they have food and water. 6:15 am, out the door. Car has stopped running, I thought for moment that it didn’t start, but it is warm so it must have just run its 15 minute course. Good. Use the new snow sweeper broom and brush off a thin layer of snow from my car. Notice Ice on the hood, but only on the hood, figure that’s because that’s the only place warm enough to melt the snow so it can form ice when it re-freezes again. Unplug the heater block, get in, start the car, turn on my lights as always, back out. Opps, forgot the power cord so I can plug my car in at work. Get out, leaving car halfway into the alley, get the cord, which is frozen stiff, literally, put it in the back seat with my computer bag, get back in, and I’m off. 6:20 am, on the road for work, a few minutes late today, but nothing unusual. Yesterday I was a few minutes early. All the traffic lights on the way to work on this side of the river are flashing, as they will until they activate and start directing traffic at 6:30. Drive my usual route until about halfway, I see snow removal trucks up ahead, flashing yellow lights, several trucks. They must be picking up the snow. Around here, plowing isn’t enough, they have to pick up the snow in trucks and haul it out of the city. Anyway, I decide to detour around. So, I turn right, then left. Hey, this is actually quicker, I made a mental note to use this way instead from now on. 6:33 am, pull into work parking space. Nobody else is in yet, so I have to go in through the back to shut off the alarm before opening up. I get out of the car, grab my computer bag and still frozen extension cord from the back seat. Plug my car in, and head for the backdoor. 6:35 am, unlock two locks on the back door, the alarm warns me, needlessly, that it is aware of my presence, “beep beeeep, beep beeeep, beep beeeep.” I close the door, but it does not catch. I close it again, harder. Still doesn’t catch, I slam it a third time…it bounces open yet again. “beep beeeeep, beep beeeep.” I decide to worry about the alarm first and the door later, punch in the code, “beep beep beep.” Alarm is happy. Now for the door, I give it the hardest push yet, “Bammm!” That took care of that. Turn on the lights, unlock the front door and put on the coffee. Go upstairs to my desk in the corner. The day has begun. 6:40 am, Set up my laptop, check my personal email. Log onto my desktop, check my work email. Sneak in a blog entry, edit it a couple of times. Then open Visual Studio and start work on one of the projects. 7:45 am, I hear someone come in, don’t know who. Keep working. 7:50 am, Two more people come in, sounds like Jon and Steave. Keep working. 8:07 am, check work email. Two emails from boss, must have been him that came in first. First message says he really likes my company email signature “bcard” idea and gives go ahead to set it up for everyone to use. Second message is “Thanks!” reply to update I sent on a service call from yesterday. I make a mental note to ask our network guy to put some files on the public server for the “bcard” idea when he gets in. Go get coffee from downstairs. 8:11 am, open a butter finger, eat it while working. 8:25 am, open a granola bar, get more coffee, eat while working. So far a good day. 8:40 am, boss buzzes my phone and asks me to take a service call from one of our “big gun” clients. It seems one of the web reports out at the factory was not lining up its columns correctly. Should be easy to fix, go online to the factory first to see the problem. Yep, the headers are all off, looks like a mess. Hmmm. Have no clue why… time to trouble shoot. 9:50 am, finished fixing report, call factory to let them know they have to restart the application for the fix to take effect. They sound happy. Start documenting what I did. 10:00 am, Finnished documenting and backing up work. Go get another cup of coffee. Start working on the b-card set up, let the network guy know what folder I needed put on the public server. 10:15 am, Network guy moved my files to the wrong server, and now he is busy so I ask our office manager to do it instead, but he doesn’t know which is the public server either. Seems boss man is the one who knows, but now he calls me downstairs because he wants to know why I want to put stuff on the public server. I explain that I only need to put a few images there for the bcard thing to work, “oh, okay.” 10:30 am, image files I need are on the public server, back to work. 11:47 am, finnish setting up bcards and creating a bcarad for each employee. Looks good. Send email to office manager to let him know. Go downstairs to show him how to set up his machine to use his new signature card. Boss looks on, I calculate to myself consciensciously what it cost to set the cards up, less than $40. Not bad, boss should be happy. 11:57 am, go back up stairs, pack up computer, log off desktop. Opps, forgot to start car… auto start car. Put on coat, go back downstairs. Boss and officemanager just left for lunch, network guy is still in, good, that means I don’t have to worry about locking up for lunch. 12:03 pm, out the office, car is cold. Oh well. Hit the road heading home. Don’t know if Dr. Slator is having a class today, that’s the one I’m sitting in on. Probably not, I have homework I need to do anyway, and I need to stop and get my books too. So I head home. 12:06 pm, Police car in front of me at stop light. I notice that I’m not as nervous as I used to be pulling up behind a police car. I marvel for a moment about how much time the officer must spend concerning himself with registration laws, when he could be doing something else. I wonder if he recognizes me? Not likely, probably doesn’t even consciously see me behind him. Just heading back to the station, probably not even aware I exist. That thought makes me feel better. 12:18 pm, pull into driveway. Leave car unplugged. I’ll be leaving again in about an hour. Notice neighbor’s mail box is hanging open (unlocked). It’s been awhile since he’s done that. Go inside, cats are at the door to greet me. I didn’t know if they would be or not, it depends on how much they miss me (i.e. how long I’ve been gone), or more likely whether or not they are hungry or not, and think its time for me to give them the good stuff, which I do typically when I get home from work or school at the end of the day, but not in the middle of the day. I’d think they should know that by now. 12:20 pm, put cup of water in microwave and set it to 4 minutes to boil so I can take it out side and watch it turn to steam when I throw it in the air (-24 degrees out does that). I can sure be childish at times, but I think everyone should be sometimes. I’ll always remember what it was like to be a child, and a prisoner. 12:21 pm, decide to have scrambled eggs and fried ham for lunch. Skillet on the stove, start the ham first, then eggs, finnish with cheese just in time to melt but not cook. Yum. 12:28 pm, dig in, opps, too much salt on the eggs. Oh well, they’re still pretty good. Poor some skim milk to wash it down. Cats are being good, Rusty got up on the counter, but got back down when I told him to without me having to yell, so I gave him a treat. He looked at me like he deserved something more, but ate it anyway. Gave Copper a treat too, I usually reward both my cats, even if only one did something good, that prevents animosity I think or the other one from thinking he is being punished when he’s not. Well, that’s half a day at least. Gotta go, Rusty is demanding I pet him right now...forget the blog. Posted by: Joe Texas Judge Requires Sex Offender Warning ¶ 1:11 PM Texas Judge Requires Sex Offender Warning That is a Headline I found on the Internet just now. Some states require x-sex offenders to have special license tags. This whole registration thing is getting more and more like Nazi Germany all the time. If someone were to propose a law like Megan’s Law back in the 1940's that person would have been spat upon as a Nazi sympathizer! No sooner do our World War II veterans pass from this world than we start passing laws and adopting social agendas that they fought to protect us from. I guess we’re to busy supporting the new warriors to remember the old. Posted by: Joe TalkLeft: The Politics of Crime ¶ 7:50 AM TalkLeft: The Politics of Crime While I was in prison I educated myself and made serious efforts to understand how my life had gotten so far off track so quickly. Now I am a professional Software Engineer, but have a hard time finding work or even a place to live because of all the hype surrounding sex offenders. I can't even find a girlfriend, because the kind of woman I like, mature and educated, are terrified when they find out I'm a "Level Three Sex Offender"; which of course I am not, I am an x-convict, and that is all. People must realize that it is never okay to discriminate against any class of people for any reason. Even if that class is so obviously offensive. Discrimination is always based on the perceived offensiveness of a class; blacks where portrayed as a threat to decent society, as were the Jews in Nazi Germany. The truth is that most sex offenders do not re-offend. For more information please visit The Fifth Nail it is a fledgling attempt to voice an injustice; not against sex offenders, but against the unsuspecting people of this country. I discovered “Talk Left” while I was searching for information about the effects of registration laws on sex crimes. I have been searching off and on for months. I have found nothing yet. A lot of hollow claims, but no data. Hmmmm. I suspect sex crimes are up, especially the violent stranger type.....I could never guess why. What would ever make a person behave so angrily toward another completely innocent person? Could it be that that innocent person somehow represents society, and the violation is some kind of attempt to regain control...I'm no psychologist, but I do know ignorance never solved anything. Posted by: Joe

Wednesday, January 28, 2004 The Power To Cry ¶ 7:46 AM If you had the power to cry, Such that everyone could hear, But no one understood, Would you? If you had the power to change, To grow closer to God, But no one could see, Would you? If you had the power to die, Such that life never ended, But no one knew, Would you? Posted by: Joe

Tuesday, January 27, 2004 Where have all the x-cons gone? ¶ 9:30 AM The term “sex offender” is an interesting choice of words. In the past the term “x-convict” was used to describe offenders who were released from prison. The “x” obviously implying that the mistake was in the past. But States have unanimously and officially dropped the term “x-convict” and replaced it with “offender” a present tense term that implies the person was, and still is, offensive. The term “x-convict” was suiting, since it did not indicate that a person was bad, or even guilty. It just meant that at some time in the past the person was convicted of a crime. Back then it was understood that sometimes a person could be convicted who was not guilty. And in understanding this people felt a convicts rights were important, because maybe they really were innocent. Back then, the fear of locking up an innocent man was a bigger concern than the fear of being a victim. Today, statistics have shown that we routinely lock up innocent men at an alarming percentage as high as 20% by some studies. In the good ol’ days, 1% would never have been tolerated. Sure that meant a lot of guilty people got away, but that was better than the state punishing an innocent person. You think it is one man who suffers, but back then they saw that it was everyone who suffered. The state represented the people, so it was the people who punished an innocent man unjustly. So they saw it as a million injustices, not just one. Today, even the innocent convicts are “offenders.” So, the injustice has been washed over by a mere change in words. So much for social integrity. Posted by: Joe Captain Mims ¶ 7:22 AM Yesterday I drafted a letter to a local x-offender who is being held in jail after his release until he finds a residence and work so he won’t be in violation of the registration laws. I asked him to write an open letter detailing any discriminating experiences he has had. In a dream I had last night I met a man who was a rebel against the British government prior to the Revolutionary War. He and his family would taunt the British ships in a smaller, but faster, boat. But, the dream took place in modern times, and it was like the scenario was being acted out, or recreated. The cannon balls were Styrofoam and when someone got hit by one they pretended it had some force and would fall over in mock trauma. There was an earlier part of the dream that is not very clear, but I was talking to the rebel boat captain on land in a building of some sort. The conversation was important but I don’t remember what it was about. And here is the weird part; after I woke, as usual I tried to interpret the dream by relating it to current events in my life. Almost immediately I realized that the character in the dream, “Captain Mims,” had the same last name as the x-offender I had written the letter to yesterday! Posted by: Joe

Monday, January 26, 2004 Pointing Fingers ¶ 8:19 AM What red blooded American would stick up for a sex offender? And, what Arian blooded Nazi would stick up for a Jew? If you think there is a difference, then think again. Are you thinking for yourself, or letting the media tell you what to think? If you think that sex offenders have little control over their behavior, then that is the TV thinking for you, and it is nonsense. Less than 12% of convicted sex offenders are repeat offenders. The reason you hear rates like 90% is because of the way the media uses statistics to get you to watch. Nobody would care if only 12% are repeating offenders, so instead the media reports that 90% of sex crimes are committed by repeat offenders. Which sounds more shocking? They both say the same thing; only the later has more shock value and implies a more serious problem than there is. It is always easy to recognize someone else’s ignorance. The trick is in recognizing your own. While doing some research last night on discrimination against Jews in Nazi Germany, I discovered that the Jews suffered far more abuses, prior to the ultimate abuse of genocide, long before the ovens were even fired up. They were victims of violent discrimination all over Germany, their homes and stores were vandalized and ransacked. They themselves were frequently beat upon by gangs of angry Germans. While I had realized that obviously the Jewish fate in that era was far more sever than any that sex offenders might suffer as a distinct group, I had not realized that the discrimination against Jews prior to that final act of discrimination was so proportionally pronounced. That opened my eyes. I can understand better now why people usually see my words as the ravings of a bias and self deluded person. So, I changed the Mission Statement for The Fifth Nail, to reflect my new understanding. I still feel that government sponsored discrimination can do no good. But, now I have added the word “watered down” when I compare discrimination against sex offenders to the discrimination against Jews in Nazi Germany, and Blacks during the Jim Crow era. It is still state sanctioned discrimination, only not as extreme as it has been in the past. But surely, when kept in proportion of course, the intent and effect is the same. Like I’ve stated before in this blog, there is nothing wrong with letting the public know when a threat has moved into their neighborhood. There is everything wrong when the government points a crooked finger at a group of people who are themselves already victims of their own ignorance and fear, and tells the public, “this is who you should hate.” Posted by: Joe

Sunday, January 25, 2004 ¶ 9:36 PM I was going to try to learn to ski this weekend; however the weather turned bad so I decided to not risk driving so far. We probably got close to ten inches last night and today. I went out around noon today and cleared off the first six inches, and now there’s already another four more out there waiting for me to get off work tomorrow to clear it too. I enjoy doing it though. I’ve been working the last couple of days on a new web site for my family that will have a family blog, chat room, calendar, address book, photo album, and free web space with easy to use page templates, and e-mail forwarding so when my families ISP’s change their email addresses won’t have to. I’m kind of jazzed about the site, except it depends on my being able to upload images and files, but the hosting service I signed up for (godaddy.com) has their servers locked down so uploads are not allowed. This kind of made me mad because they say their servers are running PHP in safe mode, but they did not say that they added a few extra restrictions of their own (“safe mode” is supposed to allow for file uploads, but they explicitly disabled it). I’m not totally pissed at goddady, yet. This is just their first, “ding.” I hope there aren’t any more. I do like there technical support though, minus the annoying repeating advertisement while you are on hold. I guess skiing will have to wait until next weekend. I’ve got homework to do tonight. I’ve also just started roughing together some draft forms and letters to start organizing a Spring Block Party Yard Sale this year. It will have its own domain and web site and everything! It is so easy and inexpensive these days to set up such a thing. I just registered the name, and then set it up with one of the hosting plans I’m already using so there won’t be any additional hosting costs. Pretty neat. So, now my neighbors can go on line to provide information for the event, like how much they have to sell and things like that so I can figure out how many tables to set up in our yard for the Party/Sale. Posted by: Joe

Thursday, January 22, 2004 Kin Kitchen Conception ¶ 6:12 PM I just set up a blog for my family. My intent is to add members by request and keep the blog private so we can keep each other up on the latest and such. I'm re-purchased the kinkitchen.com domain name to use for the blog, it's gonna be a lot of fun, and work! I still don't know if I am going to be moving to the bigger apartment downstairs or not. It sure would be nice to have room so family can visit and such. My neighbor has been in the building longer so she gets first dibs though. Posted by: Joe ¶ 10:49 AM My one message to any who finds these words might be: Seek the Truth and follow your own path. But the message you take from this blog should be your own, defined by your own limits, not mine or anyone else’s. Mother Teresa could see God's Love in the eyes of a beggar, and yet many kings would give their kingdoms for the same sight. Posted by: Joe Ramblings about Reality and Truth and Free Will ¶ 7:47 AM It seems that maybe someone is reading my blog after all. I’m not sure who, but my web stats say I’ve been getting more than just a few hits. That of course doesn’t mean anyone is actually reading this, but then, at least they visited. That got me thinking on the way driving to work this morning. What is it that I want to convey to these people? What valuable idea would I instill upon those who stumble across this digital path I am foraging? I’m not sure actually, except I know it has something to do with letting them know that we are siblings; that deep down (or “way up” if you prefer), on a level few have ever imagined and even fewer have experienced, we are the same. And it is that sameness that promises salvation. Because no matter what happens “out here” in our limited reality, it will pass. But our commonality is forever. One of the most enlightening experiences I ever had was once years ago when I was at McNeil Island State Penitentiary. I was doing a lot of soul searching, and in the process I moved into a two-man cell with a known child molester that nobody else was willing to live with. This guy represented everything I hated. He was a “rat-snitch” self righteous pious catholic fraud, not to mention child molester who admitted to his perverted love for little girls in a sickening sheepish way. This guy was worse than the most despicable character you ever saw on TV. They can’t make characters in a movie this sickening because nobody would ever want to watch. What bothered me the most was how far out of touch with reality this guy was. If you said anything to him, even if you tried to complement him for something (which would be a task to find something to complement about him, but I tried) he would automatically assume you were attacking him, and your words were the words of the devil himself and he would look at you just like that. But, one day in the chow hall, when I walked in I noticed that he was the last person in the line I was heading toward. So I instinctively started heading for a different line to avoid having to stand behind him (or being seen near him). But, then I caught myself; I hated him. And at this point in my life I was just starting to understand that hate is a fools resource for dealing with fear and ignorance. So, I continued to the line he was in, fighting off the demons that would have me put him down the whole way. By doing this I won a battle inside myself, and for the first time I could see, that he and I were kin. I’m not saying that I am anything like him, or that we are equal. I’m saying I saw for the first time that we are all the same. Not separate and similar, but together and the same. It is a complex concept when viewed from eyes focused in this world. But when you let go of the illusion that typically passes for reality, and see the underlying truth, It all sudenly makes sense. There is only One Will, One God; only One. Let me back up here for second and take a closer look free will (this is called questioning what you know, and tends to induce enlightenment). So, what is free will? GuruNet defines free will as: “The power of making free choices that are unconstrained by external circumstances or by an agency such as fate or divine will.” The key words here are “power” and “unconstrained choices.” That means I can chose, and then act on my choice without hindrance. Therefore, since I can not decide to fly without wings, I do not have free will. That is not as ridiculous of a conclusion as it might at first seem. No matter what you do, you are always confined by both conscious and unconscious limitations. In fact I’ve often said, that "my ignorance defines me." What I am referring to as my ignorance is that which I don't know, or the limits of what I do know. The limits of this world define me, and different limits define that child molester. So, if he has a free will, and I have a free will then it must be a limited will defined by what we each know and don't know. But who sets those limits? Certainly I don't, or I would be flying right now. Ah, so now we see there must be a higher Will that defines our will by setting our limits. And if it can do that, then who’s Will is it? It, of course, is Gods Will. And if God defines the limits of our will, then is it really our will, or is it His? Again, it is His. But, that doesn't mean we have no will. What it means is that we have One Will! Yes, we are truely brothers and sisters, the children of God. It is not by Gods will that we suffer and hate each other. Yet, we do because we are so focused on our limits. It seems like a contradiction, but as you realize the True Nature of the Oneness of Gods Love, suffering will proportionally diminish in your life as it has for so many others. What does all this mean? Just read your Bible (or Torah, or Karan, or whatever). I don’t mean read it and let someone else tell you what they think it means based on years of study and research, or traditional learnings. I mean read it the way Christ (or Moses, or Mahamed ) Himself told us to read it. Let the “Spirit” translate for you. The reason no other man can translate for you is because the message is different for everyone. The words are the same, but words without context are meaningless, and your life, your limits are what give it context. "The Word" was written to help you see past those limits. Don Juan said, “Everyone is right, and everyone is also wrong.” What he meant was that if you try to understand this world without seeing it from a higher perspective then you are wallowing in the chaos of limited realities. Remember, Jesus made wine from water, a direct contradiction of what we know to be real. But, he had his fathers Will, Gods will, and Gods will Is Free. Back to the child molester: God made him, defined him, set his limits. The same God made me, defines me, and sets my limits. That means that if I hate him, I am hating God, the same God that sets my limits, and defines me; so I am hating myself. In fact many psychologist will tell you that outwardly directed hate is very often the reflection of self hate. So, if you hate sex offenders...think about it. I’m making this sound way more confusing than it is. It is really very simple, too simple in fact. That is why we can not see it. We must “unbury” the truth, not re-construct it. So, remember, the Bible does not tell you what the truth is, it helps you to see what the truth is not. Posted by: Joe ¶ 2:17 AM This is a picture of my car parked just off campus. I was too cheep to buy a parking lot pass this semester, and since I only have one class and am on campus just twice a week I figured why spend $100 for a parking pass especially since the lots really aren’t any closer than this to where I need to go anyway. I had to really squeeze in on this spot though, that’s less than two feet front and back, I only had to jockey three times to get in. Not bad, I think. Well, I think my translation on that dream the other night was right on. The more I talk to people about this blog, the more pointless I feel it is. Nobody seems to see the content, only the medium, just like in my dream. Basically this blog is just a blank and cracked CD without the ROM. But, I’m going to keep at it, even if its just for my own sake, more or less just a private journal for me to refer back to some day. I like going back and reading things that I have written years ago, it is interesting being able to look into my own mind at some early age and see what has changed, and more importantly what hasn’t changed. I’ve noticed that while I have grown and matured a lot, there are certain characteristics that have always been there. I wouldn’t have realized this if I had not had things I’d written when I was very young to refer too. I noticed for example that I have always valued honesty, even as a kid. But, before I went back and read some things I wrote when I was in high school, I always thought honesty was something I came to appreciate as I got older. I had really just forgotten. It is amazing—I mean really amazing—just how much we tend to forget. Posted by: Joe

Tuesday, January 20, 2004 Statistics Problem ¶ 4:58 PM After Statistics I went to the library with another student in the same class to work on our first homework assignment: Based on extensive testing a manufacturer of washing machines believes that the didtribution of the time in years until a major repair is required has a Weibull distribution with alpha of ½ and beta of 2. If the manufacturer guarantees all machines against a major rapair for 2 years, (a) what proportion of all new washers will have to be repaired under the guarantee? (b) Find the mean and variance of the length of time until a major repair is required. (c) Find P(u-2p < x < u + 2p), where x = length of time, u = mean of time, and p = sqr(var(x)) of time.If you email the answer before Thursday afternoon, I will pay you $5 for each answer to parts (a), (b), and (c)! I won’t be sitting up waiting though. Posted by: Joe ¶ 3:05 PM This is kind of cool, I’m blogging in class. I just finished a class with Dr. Slator that I am sitting in on about IVE’s (Immersive Virtual Environments). That is the area that the research I do on campus is in. I figure it’s like free education. I don’t get official credit for it, but I’ve never been one much for official things anyway. I figure the benefit of education goes way beyond the degree, and hence I have always taken as many courses as I could in areas that interested me regardless if it “counted” for anything or not. Like I mentioned, I’m sitting in my STAT class right now waiting for it to start. I’m going to have to crack the books tonight to start getting up to speed so I can pull a half way decent grade out of this class. Oh, and learn something too. I like going to college, even though I usually feel out of place as a 40 year old taking classes with “kids.” But, like I mentioned before, I’m used to feeling out of place, and in fact value being there because that is another great way to learn. Posted by: Joe 702 is a big fat Zero! ¶ 8:07 AM I’m sending this blog entry over my cell phone data connection. Our DSL modem is down at work since yesterday. We called the ISP (702 Communications) and they gave us a song and dance about how they could not reset the modem on their end until 5 pm because other customers were on the same “rack” and they did not want to disrupt their service. So, we went all day with no Internet yesterday and at five a different tech called back and determined within a couple of minutes that it was our modem that was bad, not theirs! They should have figured that out in the first place. But instead now we have no Internet again today until later this morning when they can get a replacement to us. I switched my ISP at home from Quest to Cableone a couple of years ago for way less than that. Companies that don’t know the meaning of “customer service” really get on my nerves. At the same time I am very loyal to a company that exhibits even basic customer service. Just to be clear, the ISP in this situation told us that our DSL line service was an as-is service without warrantee. That being the case, they still should have made some effort to reconnect our service rather than hiding behind their contract. While contracts are often necessary for legal protection, they should not be used as an excuse to “get a customer off the phone.” If I was the one dealing with this ISP I would go out of my way to avoid paying them another cent for service, as long as it did not interfere with the service I was providing for my own customers, of course. Posted by: Joe ¶ 12:34 AM I think my younger cat, Rusty, is vying for the dominant position with Copper. I just observed him posturing toward Copper (the older cat by three years), which is interesting because when I got Rusty he was just a kitten and Copper has always looked after him like a younger brother. It is almost sad to see Rusty exert his instinctive need to dominate. Especially since Copper has been so tolerant. I feel particularly bad because Copper has no front claws. Whoever had him before me apparently felt that their convenience was more important than his dignity? I suppose I’m a little more Buddhist than I think sometimes. I feel that animals should have rights, and violating them for our mere convenience is disgusting. I don’t even like calling my cats “pets.” Most people who know me know that I prefer to refer to them as my “boys.” But don’t worry; I don’t go overboard with the cat lover thing. I just respect them the same as I would respect any creature, even my mouse before it died. I treated my mouse the way I thought was best for his happiness. I do the same for my cats, and I try to do the same for all people I meet. Yes, even the ones I do not like. It’s not always easy, but the harder it is, the more I grow by doing it. It’s not always easy, but the harder it is, the more I grow by doing it. (sic) Posted by: Joe

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