tips on building healthy stepfamilies
April 20, 2006 — Dr. Patricia Papernow, a psychologist and author of "Becoming a Stepfamily," works with divorced parents and stepfamilies on handling conflict. Her tips on building healthy stepfamilies are below. Develop realistic expectations. Learn as much as you can on how stepfamilies are different from first-time families. Visit www.yourstepfamily.com and subscribe to its online magazine. Join your local chapter of the Stepfamily Association of America. Call (800) 735-0329 or visit www.saafamilies.org. Talk to other people in stepfamilies to share your struggles. Compartmentalize. Spend time in one-on-one relationships within the family. Forcing everyone together for family outings, especially at first, can cause more tension. Parents in stepfamilies need to spend time alone without their kids. Plan regular date nights and vacation time without kids, as well as some regular "business time" to discuss issues alone. Biological kids need some regular time alone with their parents. Conversely, stepparents and stepchildren will get to know each other better if they spend time together without the biological parent present. Send step-siblings on an errand together, or assign a task. But don't force them together. They can be required to be civil, but they're not required to like each other. Negotiate holidays. Keep something familiar and precious to each family while being creative about starting new traditions. Sometimes stepfamily development is better served by celebrating some holidays separately for a while rather than forcing it. Keep the biological parent the primary disciplinarian. The stepparent should function in the same way an adult baby sitter or uncle or aunt would by enforcing the rules of the house — as the adult in charge when the parent is absent, not as another parent. When a child says, "You're not my father/mother," a stepparent can respond with: "You're right. You have a father/mother, and I'm not about to take his/her place. Meanwhile, though, I am the adult in charge tonight, and the rule of the house is no TV until you've finished your homework." Actively assist children with their loyalty binds. Actively and repeatedly reassure children that your new partner is not competing with their biological parent of the same sex. If you are the new stepparent, also reassure your stepchild that you will never take the place of their parent of the same sex. This frees the child to care about you without worrying about betraying their parent. http://abcnews.go.com/Primetime/story?id=1872387