Violence not a family value / a must read Violence not a family value
This replica of the DOVES shelter sits in its administrative offices to show people what the home is like. With 17 beds, the shelter offers a living space for women and children, along with classrooms, and cooking and play areas. (ARRISSIA OWEN TURNER/Big Bear Grizzly)
Stop. Janet Trott's message is clear to abusers. “Stop it,” she says. Her message sounds clear and simple, but more complexities rear their ugly heads.
As executive director of DOVES, Domestic Violence Education Services in Big Bear Lake, Trott can't stress this message enough to abusers and the abused. “It's not acceptable.”
Domestic violence, Trott believes, is the root of most problems. An overwhelming majority, 92 percent, of prison inmates report they came from violent homes, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. “The juvenile homes are clogged, school drop outs and teen pregnancy rates are horrendous, and gang membership is growing,” she says. “What do all these people have in common?”
Here's the answer, and it's the three character traits of an abuser: lack of impulse control, not accepting responsibility for actions and an inability for peaceful conflict control, Trott says.
There's a statistic well known within the domestic violence workers' world. It takes five to seven conflicts before someone normally leaves his or her abuser. “It takes that long for them to get over the idea of the ‘American Dream,'” Trott says. “They think if they could just be a better spouse that would all change.” But that's not how it works, Trott says.
Most DOVES callers do not ask for help to leave their spouses. The callers ask how to make their abusers stop hitting them. And the callers aren't always heterosexual women. In Big Bear Valley, DOVES volunteers have seen an increase in same sex relationship callers, as well as male callers. The number of male callers to DOVES increased from 5 to 10 percent in recent years, still less than the national average, 20 percent.
“They have a harder time coming forward,” Trott says referring to male callers. “There is a sense of powerlessness and fear. They have the fear that the situation will be turned around on them.” Domestic violence calls often end as mutual combat arrests, a situation that legislators are trying to amend.
Police officers are now offered training to discern which person is the primary aggressor in a domestic violence situation, but lack of funds makes the changes slow going. Trott says the current administration at the Big Bear Sheriff's Station responds more proactively and with more compassion than ever before, working with DOVES in referring people to get help.
There has been a paradigm shift in American society's consciousness about what is acceptable. Public awareness about domestic violence surfaced in 1974 when the first two community-run shelters started in Glendale and Boston.
The anti-domestic violence campaign successfully seeped into the consciousness of most of mainstream America. The need for domestic violence shelters is decreasing, while the need for outreach centers is on the rise, according to Trott. What that means is that legislators, law enforcement, probation officers and the judiciary system are doing a better job, Trott says.
Yet, a National Coalition Against Domestic Violation 2005 report showed one in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.
Violence isn't always hitting. Words can be just as painful. Emotional and verbal abuse can be just as damaging, and often people do not realize their culpability.
Is there a solution? Trott feels optimistic. Parents can prevent destructive behaviors by teaching impulse control, respect for others and taking responsibility for actions. Children who grow up in a chaotic environment are 60 percent more likely to become a batterer or be battered, or a combination of both, Trott says.
Third grade is a pivotal time to teach this type of socialization. Girls are particularly impressionable. “Girls are so socially mean to each other that by seventh grade we are conditioned to expect abusive and controlling relationships based on relationships with each other,” Trott says. “We need to take responsibility for how we are raising our daughters.”
This may seem harsh to many women, but think about the last time a group of women congregated. Was it acceptable to be catty toward other women? Some young women are now taking to calling each other bitches and whores in jest, just as some boys do. It's not funny. “It's attacking their sexuality,” Trott says. “That's what hurts people the most.”
Boys often experience the same sort of name calling. The worst insult to most heterosexual boys is to be called a fag or gay, which attacks their sexuality in the same way, encouraging them to suppress sensitivity or chivalry. A stigma is attached to being thoughtful, nurturing and courteous to women, Trott says.
All of this takes away from the progress made since 1974. But each breakthrough helps people feel more comfortable asking for help. Domestic violence crosses all socio-economic status, all races, all cultures and all ages.
People are only as sick as their secrets.
October is Domestic Abuse Awareness Month. For more information about how to get involved, call DOVES at 909-866-1546 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE.
Contact reporter Arrissia Owen Turner at 909-866-3456, ext. 142 or by e-mail at aoturner@bigbeargrizzly.net.
http://www.bigbeargrizzly.net/articles/2006/10/01/news/doves.txt
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